03.16.03-12:51 a.m.>

So its a new week and everywhere we look, its become inevitable, war is upon us.

I wonder to myself, is this the last great war ??

Then I lose sleep thinking about it for hours.

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to drown out the sounds of the things happening around and focus forward on what has to get done.

If I could do that,just that, my life would be so entirely the opposite it of what it is right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I could just not worry about one thing for one day how different that day would be for me. Then I think to myself that there are people who dont suffer like I do. That not worrying is their nature, and they dont mull over every possible outcome of every situation every time they leave the house.

I shall elaborate...

(dont be frightened)

This is how my thoughts process...

Today I have to go out with So and So for such and such, but what if while I'm out with S+S...

I get into an accident...

oh my god wheres my health insurance card...

what if I have to go to the hospital...

oh my god imagine the phone call my mother would get....

oh my god....what if while Im out

someone needs me and Im not there

what if something gets blown up and Im not near my family....

what if I die...

oh my god Im going to die...

they're going to die and Im not going to be near them....

we're all going to die....

Im too young to die....

who would even care if I was dead....

maybe I should just stay here.

I know it sounds very irrational, but there is weight to every single one of those irrational fears that presses down a person who suffers from anxiety and renders them physically incapable of functioning day to day.

There are people who suffer like this every day. Some people dont even leave their houses. Its painful to have live with knowing you can never be 100% ok in any situation. I'd kill for over 50% ok-ness in any situation. I dont even have that now.