06.08.03-9:18 p.m.>

tired.angry.weak.bitter.cynical.loud.introverted.pissed off.middle fingers.driving into oncoming traffic.screaming from places inside my stomach.staring at my ceiling.listening sad sad songs.tired. so tired.angry.lost.stumbling.small.confused.withdrawn.detached.sad.panicked.afraid.of everything.scared.closed eyed.sleepless nights.bad cable television.headaches.nothing is easy.nothing is fluid.everything is heavy footed feet on concrete.nothing is carpeted or furnished.every wall is bare.every sound reverberates haunting the ears with embarassment.tired.so tired. angry.nothing moves.there are walls.so high.and impossible to get over.created by no one besides the obvious.obstacles.hoops to jump through.changes. that never happen.face waiting to morph into something happier.more productive.more awake.a sense of clarity missing.glassy eyes.dark circles.wet with tears.everything is wrong.what do they want.it doesnt matter.it never will.what does she want.if she knew. these sentences wouldnt be so poorly punctuated and fragmented.if she knew shed walk a little taller.fill pages with prose that makes.if she knew she would have it by now.a picture of it.illustrated to detail.drawn to scale.a map.a plan.a blueprint.

nothing is ever as easy as it should be.

nothing is ever as rewarding as it should be.

nothing tastes or looks or seems exactly the same twice.

So when you're put in the same situation more than one time, and the outcome on previous occassions has not been to your advantage, how do you prepare yourself to take it on the chin one more time ?

How do you remain optimistic in a world that has done nothing but consistently shit on you ?

How can you not say FUCK YOU when you've got nothing but the middle finger from life for so long ?

How can you just breathe, and smile, and walk tall ?

Who does that ?

Who doesnt suffer from defeat ?

I do.