09.04.01-10:40 p.m.>

So my heart is hurting, and my head is racing (strike that, reverse it), and Im thinking about my friend, because I havent spoken to her since the end of may, and my mother talks about her all the time, and Im kind of seeing that 100% of what happened between us is my fault. That I distance myself from uncomfortable awkward situations that challenge me in any way because Im ubernonconfrontational, and I miss her SO much, and maybe I said I didnt, way back when, maybe I said I didnt need her or anything, but she's the most wonderful selfless determined intelligent honest endearing funny person I know, and shes gone, to school and I never even got to say goodbye, because Im an asshole, big giant asshole, and I love her so much, and hold all of the time we've ever spent together so dearly. And her house is the only other place besides my house and my aunts that I feel at home in. One of the few places I can kick off my shoes and not care if my feet smell. And her mom is like a second mom, and her little brother and sister used to sit on my lap, like I was one of them. And it made me feel so at ease, and I threw that ALL away because I couldnt grow the fuck up and deal with my stubborn self. I threw it away, and now shes upstate, and Im here, and I miss her so much. And I have to do everything in my power to fix this, because she's my Sharon Chursky, because maybe I went and got myself a Ray Anne, but we all need a Sharon. Someone who KNOWS us, has known us forever, and god knows I want her at my wedding, and I want her to be a godparent for my children, and I want to call her, when I have breakups and makeups, and I want to share the stories of these years with her, recount the tales, and milestones with her, when we are old and gray. Thats how its supposed to be, not like this. Not me running scared everytime I hit a conflict, not me pushing away. I need to fix this, I cant count on her to forgive me, I cant expect her to admire our history as much as I do, I can only expect her to be fair, I dont know that I can even expect that much. Or for her to even respond when I get the guts to talk to her.

I dont know why I let things get so far.

I can open IM's to people and stare at them empty for hours. Hold the cordless phone in my hand, and watch my fingers tremble. I can write letters to people and never send them.

There so much in my life that goes unsaid.

I should start with honesty.

HERE AND NOW.

Would she look different if I saw her.

I have one picture of her.

Sitting on my dresser. Shes walking away from the camera, we're headed to see RENT, and I wonder in that second captured whats running through her mind.

And I wonder, why I do/say, the things, I do/say.

How it is that I ruin lives,and destroy families.

Im not half as helpless as I make myself sound, really.

My little cousin starts middle school tomorrow.

I kissed her on the forehead today, and told her to break some hearts.

She will too, just you wait and see.

I've decided not to change the layout.

I like it too much.

Tomorrow is another day diary.

Goodnight for now