09.25.01-2:55 a.m.>

Last night I hit the pillow and was gone. GONE GONE GONE. Didnt even have a chance to move around,find the sweet spot on the mattress, just BAM, out, 1,2,3.

And the kind of sleep accomplished was really kinda frightening. I fell asleep on my back, woke up in the SAME position.

It was kind of like blinking. But with hours in between.

One on hand I felt very rested, on the other,I felt like it was wrong.

I just fell asleep on the couch watching Conan, woke up to the second episode of Leno. Its VERY windy outside. Things are tumbling up the block.

shit.

The big heavy lamp just blew over.

I should be sleeping.

But obviously.

Im not.

Today I got into a fight with my father.

Today over him opening my mail, never giving it to me, and not telling me what any of it says.

NEVER GIVING ME MAIL.

MY MAIL.

WITH MY NAME ON IT.

I fucking FLIPPED.

I wanted to hit him so badly.

I've never physically wanted to hurt anyone so badly.

So I threw on my shoes, and LEFT.

Just left.

Went down to the water.

Sat, and tried to calm myself.

Prepare myself for return.

But then I thought to myself, I dont DESERVE to be treated the way he treats me, treats us, I dont have to put up with it, I SHOULD be angry, and every time I felt myself start to calm down, the anger would rise, and I could see clouds moving across the bay. My hands balled into fists on either side of my face, hunched over on a bench, just trying to breathe. Just trying to breathe.

If I didnt leave when I left, I wouldve hit him.

And he wouldve hit me back, and then I'd have been gone. Out. Out of this house, permanently for good.

Thats exactly what wouldve happened.

Maybe I shouldve let it happen.

Maybe I deserve it.

no, no I dont.

I just dont understand how he can be so fucking mean, and cruel, and generally CRAZY.

He's sick, I know.

Im supposed to take him with a grain of salt.

But after all this shit he's put us through. ALL OF IT. For years now. He doesnt deserve my sympathy. He doesnt.

I dont even want him around.

He's a paycheck.

He's money paying the bills.

And I will not....

cannot...look him in the eye.

My mother thought I was gone for good today.

Just I was walking back to the house, she was about to drive around looking for me.

I set off on foot, in sandals, she shouldve known I wouldnt make it too far.

All he had to say when she walked in the door was "shes fucking gone".

But ya know, dinner was on the table when she walked through the door, so in his head, that made up for the fact that hes fucking nuts.