11.01.01-11:52 p.m.>

I have this reoccurring attack of sorts.I really dont know what it is.

I'll be in bed at night, just about ready to go to sleep and I'll notice myself breathing and realize that Im going to die, that you can never get a second back and that I am going to die. ALONE. That everything tangible, and edible, and sensible, will be gone, I will be gone, and this is a part of life, death.

My death. I will die, and my parents will die and my brother will die and we dont know it what order it will happen but we'll all die.

This will ALL hit me in what seems like the span of a second.

I'll sit straight up in my bed gasping for air, trying to breathe. Get out of bed shaking, walking around my house, almost pulling out my hair trying to get a hold of myself.

Suddenly everything seems too real and I can feel myself existing, and Im so close to the harshness of reality that I just cant take it.

It always takes me about an hour to calm down. For the shaking to stop and for my breathing to go back to normal.

This happens to me once twice a week, and has been happening for like 8 yrs now.

If I hear a voice from behind a closed door ask "Melissa why are you awake ?" I nervously reply "Oh Im just getting some advil Ma" as not to cause a scene in the middle of the night.

I've never told anyone about this, not my parents, not my therapist, no one.

So why am I telling the entire internet ?

Because we are all weak, and we all have fears, and it feels kinda good to own to up them.

I feel like its my job, on some level, to put a vulnerable peice of myself out here, so you know Im real and you can relate.

Thats it for tonight.