01.21.02-10:51 p.m.>

I just watched the last episode of Daria and realized that its been 3 years since I've graduated.

And I've spent those three years pretty much holding onto 4 years I hated. As a result, I've made no emotional progress whatsoever since June 26,1999.

-and-

as a result Im still in this house with these people.

-and-

as a result I've been made dependent and lazy

-and-

as a result Im ridiculously unmotivated

-and-

as a result I will never Leave Lindenhurst, or mentally leave that last day of classes where I sat at my desk in English, taking my final, and signing that yearbook. CLOSURE.

Its funny how one frame can remain so colorful and vivid in memory.

or that day, I sat on that field,in the sweltering heat, and hugged my friends like I meant it. Pouring every last ounce of sincerity I had in my bones, and my blood and my breath onto them,spending it all inside those embraces.

Maybe there's nothing left now.

Maybe I'm dead inside, and that's why my mother tells me I'm cold, and selfish and stubborn.

Maybe thats why I find it so hard to relate to people.

Maybe thats why I just cant connect to anyone at all anymore.

Im invisible.

Nobodys really seen me for 3 years.

Just this listless shell of a girl with the same likes and dislikes and little to no ambition. Just this girl who remembers having aspirations, but cant seem to recall what they were. Finding it so much easier to lean, and sit, and double park, and inconvenience the world for her the sake of her own safety, her own comfort.

I wonder where I fit, for a long time I knew in my heart it wasnt in this town, and for a long time I wanted nothing more than to leave, and be able to laugh at all the cheerleaders when they got fat and wrinkly. Maybe its my fate to stay here. Maybe its my punishment,for being such a horrible person to people all of the time.

Im at a low, and I know why Im at a low, and you all probably now why I'm at a low if you read this diary or read the other one or anything about me at all.

This time I'm recognizing the symptoms,and dreading the cyclicity of clinical depression, and wondering how far I will let it get before I actually do something.

The urgency of the situation isn't quite all that urgent yet, but the guilt has showed up and the shame just parked all its stuff and I guess its all downhill from here.

God please help me get through these next few months.

Please.

Oh and yea..Daria was good