05.15.02-10:33 p.m.>

Im tired inside.

and very confused.

but tired is probably the best adjective.

Im hating things right now, mainly,

-the internet

-this suburb and the surrounding ones

-the air

-this house

-cancer

-How small things are.

-How small I feel sometimes, and how everything is just connected in this weird fucked up way that I cant even begin to think about anymore without winding up on the floor of my room wondering where the hell my Promise Ring Sweatshirt ever went.

I need to not be here.

I need to be as physically far away from this place as possible, before I lose my fucking mind,or whats left of it.

The air in this house is so dead, and outside it smells like low tide, and for reference low tide smells like wet dog and salt water.

Im another year older,

I have been since March.

Im caught at the bottom of the middle.

If you can make sense of that, I commend you.

I babysat my little cousin Kristie today.

That made me feel a little better, because every curb to her is a potential balance beam, and her hands are so tiny that when she holds mine she's really just holding one or two fingers. But she knows the protocol.

Hands held in streets and parking lots on the weekly journey to "The Gum Store" aka CVS.

God I love that little kid.

I caught my mom smoking today.

How am I supposed to pretend Im not hurt by it ?

...and now she thinks because I know its perfectly ok for her to be smoking in front of me constantly. I cant deal with any of this.

She told me "The Doctor said it was ok".

Now I maybe naive, but fuck, DONT LIE TO ME.

I've been having these random frightening dreams lately. In each and every one I wake up feeling like someones sitting on my chest, and I cant breathe. Im gasping and gasping.

I'm scaring myself here kids.

I napped for like 2-3 hours today, and I woke up all red faced, and glassy eyed, and groggy, and nasty feeling.

Things are not right.

But I dont know what to do to make them better. Or less than wrong, I'd settle for less than wrong.