09.06.02-3:50 p.m.>

Went to visit my grandmothers grave today...

wept silently next to my mother.

contemplated death...

and my obsession with death and sickness

and the deaths and sicknesses this family has seen over the years...

contemplated the holiday,

and my detachment from it.

remembered the last time I saw my nana, and how I begged her to teach me to cook things the EXACT same way she did.

I remember her the wrinkles in her tiny hands all covered in matzoh meal, as she explained to me that I needed to keep my hands wet or the meal would stick.

I was and still am in complete awe of that woman.

I was comforted with her existence during my childhood because she remains to be the only person I've ever met who is exactly like me...

I miss my Nana something feirce.

I miss her voice, and her laugh, and her sarcasm, and the way wed walk places real slow, and how she always made me hold her hand.

I miss her Lentil Soup, and the way she never judged me.

I miss her kisses, and her Yiddish, and her Bingo Bag, and all the other Nana things about my Nana.

Youd think after almost 4 yrs I'd be ok with her death.

But Im not.

Happy New Year though...

to my Jewish Readers.

If infact there are any.