03.09.03-10:21 a.m.>

So I've been listening to literally nothing but death cab and atmosphere for about the last 3 weeks.

I have this sinus infection that wont go away.

I just got a call from my aunt asking me if I wanted to go to mass w/ her and the kids. Yea, I am so not Churchy McChurcherson today, which is probably bad because its the first Sunday of Lent...but whatever, I cant care. I have bigger things to deal with. Im not even realllly catholic ?!

I have other things to deal with today.

Like...

my rooms a mess and my moms side of the family is coming over for an early dinner tonight.

Like...

I've had this aching in me from things she never said, and probably never will because Im not worth an explanation. I've been wanting to send her a birthday card, her birthdays on the 12th. I've been wanting to write her a letter, and state the things and places she ruined inside my head. How its her that caused me to create this pattern of not being able to be close to anyone. How unfair it is that she made me this way, and her life is completely unaffected. How she doesnt know, and cant know, because Im not good enough to see except for in 15 minute intervals when she decides to need to see me and pretend that everythings ok. Do I not deserve to be told what the fuck is wrong with her ??

Its just really aggrivating.