older-contact-homeland-me-notes

04.05.03-11:03 p.m.>

I go through these periods of time where my body tells me to hate people. Hate many people, direct criticism towards the stupid ones, and though few and far between, ignore the compliments. Its like Im overcome with this need to just to be nasty to everyone. Just GRRR, I hate people, and people suck and should leave me alone, and just let me drift because its soooo much simpler when no one is bumping into me, and getting in the way of my internal monologue, and my daily routine.

It just throws me.

People throw me.

Because Im so detached and jaded and bitter and cynical and fucking selfish whiny babyish unbelievably unmotivated. etc etc etc.

Melissa do something to fix that.

Take all of those adjectives and become their opposite.

Change.

Just stand tall and fucking change.

Its a battle everyday.

I wake up, and fight with myself to get things done.

I want to hide under my blanket.

I want everything to be ok all of the time.

I want everything to be easy and smooth.

Nothing is easy in life.

All the roadbumps, kill me.

Im so tired and I have no right to be.

Who the fuck am I ?

Im no innocent.

Im mean and hateful towards people who care about me, and say things that just come out, and I dont know how not to be this way.

I hate myself right now.